Prudence – week 8

This year, I will reflect on the four cardinal virtues through daily practice and meditation, intentionally focusing on one per season. I started the year with prudence – or the rational capacity to distinguish good from evil. Every week, I will publish an update on this blog, in the form of a free-flowing meditation.

This week is the last of my first engagement with prudence. To bring together these first two months, I focused on the relationship between duration and insight.

Prudence is deliberation, judgement, and resolution to act. Deliberation takes time, but results in a set of options for future action, a decision branch, and a capacity to choose among various paths. Something very particular occurs then: we leave the realm of pure duration, where cause follows consequence, to touch what the Greeks would call Kairos, crucial instants of opportunity. The fruit of prudence is therefore nothing else than freedom, escape from the plane of determinism through regular encounter with pure instants of self-determination.

Prudence entails creativity – which I understood in a new manner on Monday. I was invited to contribute ideas on a web-forum for a foreign policy White Paper discussion. In the shower, I had an insight: decentralise decision-making. It is not a radically new proposal, but not one I had seen in this context. The hot water allowed me to loosen the attachment between an idea and its usual domain of application. This is how creativity operates, by simple transfer. Yet I was not able to share the idea in a convincing manner. I had an intuition that there was something there, but lacked the form to give it full meaning in the context of reception. And so, the proposal fell flat.

On Tuesday, I reflected further on the connection between my work and prudence. I am finalising a report for the Foundation that I work for. My role as editor-in-chief requires me to sharpen the texts I receive and clarify the logic of their argument. Beyond this, I must also write short prefaces. Many readers will only skim through the full version, their expectations largely framed by these short introductory texts. As their eyes glance over the pieces proper, they will seek keywords and ideas based on the few words in italics at the beginning.I wondered, if a 1000-word text can be summarised in 75 words, why bother with the long form? But without the text in full, prefaces would have no value. We may only care about the core insight – but will not accept it unless we have proof that it was formed over time, and requires a measure of time to be fully grasped. We want, in idea at least, the possibility to reproduce the slower pace of deliberation before we resolve.

The last two weeks have been exhausting. This week I had to shift gears. It is not something I am very good at. When I woke up on Wednesday, I realised I would probably not be able to do much in the morning – I was invited to a whole afternoon and evening function already. I remembered precious wisdom from my father. A friend of his had an unusual piece of real estate to sell, a cellar in a middle suburb of Paris, and didn’t know what to do with it. My father’s tip for creativity was: what if you were to give it away, who would most benefit from it? Ideas started to flow. Since I was not going to do anything productive, what if I thought of that morning as a gift to myself? What would I choose to do with it? The weather was warm, I sat at Riverland Café by the Yarra, with no particular goal in mind, simply looking over the river at palm trees, watching a man hose down his boat, and rowers pass by. I opened a notebook, and found myself reflecting on personal strategy, then articulating the next steps of my various projects. I made a short action list of immediate to do’s. Then left for another café, refreshed, inspired, and ready to restart.

A few weeks ago, I classified the various types of activities that I do for work. One set of those I labelled ‘cleaning’: ordering folders, clearing my inbox, stretching my limbs. Thursday was a cleaning day. Simple oversight: I had two weeks under high pressure and deprioritised anything that could be postponed. As a result, I had a backlog to clean, and it was clogging my brain. It took me three days to catch up, and return to order. I realised once again that insights and ideas can occur in a flash, but only when the right structures are in place. Often, we focus on the wrong thing: it’s not that we need to push and strive for new projects and initiatives, they come fast. But for that, we need to keep the channels clean – and this requires more time than we’re generally willing to allocate.

There had been two strands over the week – insights and duration; doing and ordering. They came together on Friday, when I realised that the insights we have are a direct factor of the type of order we make around us. Out physical position will determine perspectives – alignments reveal symmetries, shadows hide or highlight key features. To the same extent, the way we choose to think of the world around us will reveal parallels and differences. Prudence, through deliberation, generates options, and reveals our own freedom. This freedom depends on our capacity to categorise adequately. Efforts we make to see the world in a more complex fashion, integrate new perspectives, consider different potential groupings, will then directly result in greater degrees of freedom.

 

 

Prudence – week 7

This year, I will reflect on the four cardinal virtues through daily practice and meditation, intentionally focusing on one per season. I started the year with prudence – or the rational capacity to distinguish good from evil. Every week, I will publish an update on this blog, in the form of a free-flowing meditation.

My main focus over the week has been to find a point of balance appropriate to changing circumstances.

This was a week of peak activity for me. Four separate projects entered their phase of execution, and required my attention. In most of the work that we do, periods of execution succeed periods of preparation. Prudence is to recognise these as different, and adapt our behaviour and expectations accordingly. Sunday was dedicated to mapping out the week ahead – I try and reserve Saturday for rest. On a notebook, I drew a weekly schedule, marking where I would need to be physically located, and when the most demanding moments were likely to be. Then I looked around for more time – in the early morning or evenings. And I considered potential flexibility: if required, what could go? I then broke down activities for the week into smaller tasks, and made a firm resolution to postpone whatever could be postponed. I was ready to start a big week in calm.

Sometimes we check too much. Yes to collegial decision making – but there is such a thing as excessive consultation. “I just wanted to run this past you first” can be a dangerous form of cowardice, a refusal to decide. The bureaucratic attitude, whose main goal is avoiding personal responsibility, is the very opposite of prudence. We should err on the side of caution, yes – sometimes. But sometimes, erring on the side of risk is the sign of a prudent approach. By accepting personal accountability, we limit the burden we place on others, and contribute to a better, more solid and resilient world.

Adopting the wrong approach to a problem is a sure way to fail. On Tuesday, I reminded myself of the difference between complicated and complex problems, while training my team. Some problems require rare and difficult technical know-how – others entail an element of structural unpredictability. These are not the same issues. One of the greatest dangers, whether in our professional or personal lives, is denying structural unpredictability – though, for some of us, or in certain circumstances, the danger is opposite, and consists in believing that everything is unpredictable. When we cannot predict or understand, we must make judgements – judgements that may be wrong, and have important consequences. We can prepare for those, strengthen our core values and perceptiveness. But we must also realise that vast areas of our life operate without a blueprint. There is nothing but the broad field of possibility. What we decide is what will happen.

Prudence is an embodied virtue. As a way to physically reflect on prudence, I started Qi Gong classes this week. I learnt this, that certain parts of our body should be soft – and for that to be possible, others should be hard. Internal flows of energy do not require a complete loosening, but the right balance of emptiness and fullness, firm and soft. More importantly, this I realised: our bodies are in constant flow – as embodied beings, we are not static. Breathing, digestion, blood circulation, hormonal systems – our internal state is one of constant change. 70% of us is water – and this water moves. There are currents in us, flows, movements. The art of prudence is controlling, sensing and guiding these flows – not moving an inert sack of skin and bones.

Our energy varies – and prudence is adapting our actions and expectations not just on external circumstances, but also clear perception of our inner state. On Thursday, I was tired. My resolution for the day was to save energy, avoiding anger, irritation, annoyance. I actively relaxed, brain and body. And when a request came for something urgent, I attended to it, but signed out of another event. Strictly speaking, I had time to do both – but I didn’t have enough energy.

This continued on Friday, as I co-facilitated an event for independent art practitioners. During one of the conversations, on the need for more diversity, I articulated the following thought: our time and attention are limited – if we’re going to do more of something, whether following Indonesian news, inviting people with disability to the arts, or learn Mandarin, then there is something we must stop. The difficult but efficient question is not what more should we do, but what can we cut? This is also prudence, harsh virtue, that will ask: if you want change, don’t look only forward at the new that you desire, but also look around, and tell me, what is the old thing, the existing thing, here and now, that needs to go? Why? And how will you make it disappear?

Prudence – week 6

This year, I will reflect on the four cardinal virtues through daily practice and meditation, intentionally focusing on one per season. I started the year with prudence – or the rational capacity to distinguish good from evil. Every week, I will publish an update on this blog, in the form of a free-flowing meditation.

On my sixth week, I chose to reflect on various methods to train prudence.

As a starting point, Sunday focused on general principles. Prudence is the capacity to correctly assess the particulars of a present situation, and our capacity to bring about a different situation, which we believe is good. Prudence, therefore, must rest on radical honesty with oneself, and a resolute willingness to name and assess the present. For this, it requires a careful balance of perception and introspection. Its opposite is self-delusion, a wrong appraisal of the world around us, and our own place in it.

We are not alone in this world. Therefore, a crucial element of prudence is understanding the limits of our responsibility. This, in turn, requires an understanding of other people’s responsibilities, as well as their willingness and capacity to act. Prudence is a balancing act, between too much and too little responsibility. To help with this, I proposed myself a pair of distinct prudence hashtags, which I applied through the week, #myproblemtosolve and #myproblemtonotice.

The world we live in is too complex for us to predict much in advance. Prudence therefore entails a capacity to deal with unexpected situations, and urges us to be ready for the unknown. Excessive planning shows a lack of prudence: attention, energy, resources are invested in a future that may not come about, and distracted from an ever-shifting present. This uncertainty can cause anxiety, it is tempting to turn our heads away, bury them in a blueprint. Deliberate relaxation and a resolution to remain calm are therefore key components of prudence – and these may come from ongoing breathing exercises, and regular meditation.

It is better to stay still than actively make progress in the wrong direction. This is the wisdom I shared with my team on Wednesday, and applies particularly when we’re exploring new things. We feel lost, not because we carelessly wandered off, but because the path does not exist, and we must find our way. Trusting in the process becomes crucial here – whether it’s applying design thinking or another method, we must accept the regular return of a lost-feeling, not knowing where we are. No matter how far we go, there is always an untrodden path ahead.

Working with others, it is prudence to know what our strengths are, and lead accordingly. Two years ago, during the THNK program, I received an excellent model of leadership styles, through four distinct archetypes. The warrior brings movement and energy; the architect develops plans and structures; the healer aligns emotions and mediates conflicts; the chief articulates vision and provides direction. My personal preference is to work as a healer. On Thursday, I deliberately led like one, with a clear focus on maximally reducing friction. When this occurs, minimal amounts of energy can yield considerable results. It is no better or worse than other modes of leading – I resolved I should learn how to operate in others – but for the time being, focus on my strengths.

All through the week, the methods I explored focused on mental models, thinking, appraising. But prudence is more than strategic thinking: it involves commitment, and is geared towards action. This action must be timely: prudence is not rash, but speed is of the essence. Vision must lead to movement. And so, the method to train prudence is to set oneself close deadlines, put oneself in a situation where prudence is required – and hold a measure of self-trust, that when required, the virtue must emerge. Here again, balance is necessary, to try and avoid both harm and stagnation.

Prudence – week 5

This year, I will reflect on the four cardinal virtues through daily practice and meditation, intentionally focusing on one per season. I started the year with prudence – or the rational capacity to distinguish good from evil. Every week, I will publish an update on this blog, in the form of a free-flowing meditation.

A key principle of prudence that I articulated in my first month of reflection is the right combination of inwards and outwards – in order to develop a truthful understanding of one’s own particular position within external circumstances themselves truthfully understood. After a week looking inside, I decided to turn outwards, and more specifically consider other people.

I started on the Sunday by getting out of the house – I was invited to a Chinese New Year’s party in the northern suburb of Preston. Rather than linger at home, leave late, and tram, I went on a long walk, stopping at three different cafes along the way. At each stop, I looked at the people around, talking, smiling, interacting. But one main idea resonated through the day: people lie. I was reading about the Chinese communist party, and how the famine of the Great Leap Forward was hidden, because acknowledging it would endanger the positions of those in power. I was reading about the multiple atrocities of Trump’s first week in power, and noted the self-interested framing of all the statements he made. And I read a message by Pope Francis, identifying hypocrisy as the most unchristian attitude, the one most denounced in the New Testament. This, however, on a pessimistic reading, would only confirm the darkness of our nature. Other people will lie, if it’s in their interest – most likely, so will I. And so the first act of prudence is, at least, try not to deceive myself. Wherefore this first day of looking outwards brought me back to myself.

On Monday, I decided that I would continue focusing on observing people. I was out in my Footscray co-working space, not alone. But it was a busy day, where I struggled to focus on the right task, juggling too many projects. I realised, as it ended, that I had been engrossed in my own world most of the time, oblivious to those around. I did seek distractions, I almost completed a jigsaw puzzle, I played a stimulating self-discovery game, I looked at social media – all this with myself and in my own head, rather than observing others.

Tuesday 31 was the last day of the month, a time of transition. Acknowledging that, so far, I seemed very focused on myself, I thought might as well do so productively. I’m entering a first peak period at work, until February 24, and my partner is about to restart school. I looked at the various tasks ahead of me, and realised how anxious they made me. Not that any was overbearing, but there were simply too many together. Some would need to be completed, others to be postponed. This simple scheduling was much simpler that I thought. Four grants I must apply to don’t open until early March. Two quite important administrative tasks that nag at my conscience will take at most an hour to complete. My commitment to regular Chinese practice can be twisted rather than postponed: an extra couple of hours now will give me two weeks off during the highest peak. I realised how much we can live in the future, absorbed in the consideration of things to do. Yet this bringing of a sequential future in the unique present moment is a dangerous recipe for anxiety: a series of tasks that individually do not take long, when considered as a bundle, exceed our capacity to compute, and overwhelm us, clouding our sane judgement. On this day, I accepted my limits, completed a few steps, and made room inside my brain for a productive month of February.

On Wednesday, I was ready to resume my week observing people. I experience early attempts as efforts, and failed on that account. What if I reframed a focus on others as a way to relax?  I have long suffered from upper back pain when I’m under stress, and jokingly named it ‘Atlas Syndrome’ – the feeling that the world is resting on my shoulders. The weight of a cathedral is equally distributed among its pillars, allowing for greater space inside. In the same manner, as free society requires that its weight be distributed around many people. I was sitting at a sushi-bar/café on Flinders Street, looking out the windows at the pedestrian flows of early morning Melbourne. The staff spoke enthusiastically, alternating Cantonese and Mandarin. A certificate from the Multicultural commission hung on the wall, celebrating the owner as a community leader. Some people play a greater role than others in organising crowds – but it is important, I thought, as I saw the flows of pedestrians across the glass, that each of us can be part of multiple communities, balancing each other. These hold society together, and balance off each other. Later in the day, I resumed my intentional observation, while waiting for friends at QV. But sitting still was hard – and I noticed myself starting to stretch, reminisce, evaluate. Before sleep, I imposed this last exercise on myself: sit completely still, thinking neither about the past nor the future. After just a few minutes, I felt an intense sense of calm, and a very restorative sleep followed.

This coloured my Thursday: during the day, I would take regular pauses, doing absolutely nothing, whenever I finished an activity. This had a significant impact. I felt more clear-headed, more present to the task at hand, more in control. A few minutes, adding up to fifteen at most over the day, where I paused, observed and breathed, made enormous internal space, and gave me both great happiness, and a great sense of achievement.

The week ended where it started, considering other people. Donald Trump has been playing in the background all through the week, on my social media pages. Controlling our attention, I read, is key to our own happiness. I decided that I would focus on two pillars of resistance, as sources of positive inspiration, Angela Merkel and Pope Francis. Whenever Trump came on a feed, I didn’t click, but instead thought about those two. I deliberately spent time reading about them. None aligns perfectly with my own politics or idea of a desirable society. Pope Francis is socially conservative, Angela Merkel is economically conservative. Yet they bring a sense of solidity, patience, and an alternative to self-serving, impulsive politics. A bulwark against collective madness.

Prudence – week 4

This year, I will reflect on the four cardinal virtues through daily practice and meditation, intentionally focusing on one per season. I started the year with prudence – or the rational capacity to distinguish good from evil. Every week, I will publish an update on this blog, in the form of a free-flowing meditation.

On my fourth week exploring prudence, I shifted my focus inside, and centered on myself.

Prudence requires that I pay close attention to my environment: will I discern more if I can be more present? I started the week with a simple exercise: while engaging in other activities all through the day, I focused on my breathing. Two things emerged. First, that I would naturally slow down whatever else I was doing when I consciously paid attention to my breath – but very soon, I was able to pick up speed, while maintaining a strong sense of presence. Second, I noted a sort of clear-headedness – my mind emptied, leaving space for the world to come in.

The second day reached eleven thirty before I could sit down and set myself a deliberate goal. I decided to go with it, and see whether I was able to simply trust my existing systems and routines. It learned that it didn’t work: looking back, it was a reasonably productive day, but I left with a sense of incompletion. Is it the case, then, that if we live our days without a goal, we’ll never feel a sense of accomplishment?

That’s where my reflection picked up on Tuesday. Why do we give so much importance to ‘doing’, as opposed to ‘not doing’. Surely, restricting ourselves, in many circumstances, is an act of prudence. But for this, we need to discipline our own aspiration to more, more, more – beyond material greed, we need to restrain a more spiritual form of greed that pushes us to read more, write more, achieve more. Curb hybris. And inspired by this, I found myself writing on the stream of a Facebook friend asking ‘what do you believe is the purpose of life’ that it is about accepting death or, even better, rejoicing in the finitude of our own existence.

Wednesday was a particular occasion: I received an award as new Australian of the Year, and had a speech to make. I never write my speeches – in the belief that presence is key to gaining attention, and a structured but partly improvised speech ensures a considerably higher level of presence. In line with this, my key goal was to focus on my own voice and balance. I realised I learnt a key lesson of prudence from my mother: as a kid, when I tried apologising for bad behaviour saying ‘such and such also did it’, she would invariably reply, ‘and if they jump in the river, will you jump after them’? Conformism is no excuse, and nothing will justify renouncing our own independent judgement. The speech when well – you can find the full text here. A few people came saying: ‘this was very moving’. More importantly, I not only was able to talk of how my own tradition was carried forward in Australia, but also performed as myself, embodying a delicate, calm and sensitive version of masculinity. Whether it had a direct impact, I’m unsure.

On Thursday, guided by a sense of accomplishment, I pondered on the rest of the year. Part of prudence is anticipating what might be done, and I thought of a few things I could do to train temperance, justice, fortitude. A favourite: ‘praise women’. Since one of the great injustices of the world is the systematic lower level of recognition that women receive, why not start systematically praising the women around me for the good things that they do? And so, this may be a short blog post series for July and August.

I ended the week with a mild hangover from excessive tension leading up to my Wednesday speech – a knot in my stomach, a pulsing headache, tensions in my shoulders. I took it as an opportunity to connect with my body, and acknowledge my own weight. I am limited by gravity, systematically pulled downwards. Yet before heading to bed, I did some QiGong exercises, calmly raising and releasing my arms, sensing my own verticality, the circulation of the air inside of me – and even as I felt the weight of my flesh, I could also feel the empty space inside, the potential that comes with it, and my own power, even if limited, to stand erect, and lift up my arms.

Prudence – week 3

vrThis year, I will reflect on the four cardinal virtues through daily practice and meditation, intentionally focusing on one per season. I started the year with prudence – or the rational capacity to distinguish good from evil. Every week, I will publish an update on this blog, in the form of a free-flowing meditation.

After a first week looking for perspective and a second finding balance between plans and serendipity, my third week focused on identifying the nature of my various activities.

If prudence judges whether an action is good and bad, its exercise requires – as a logical preliminary – that we clearly distinguish between our various actions and activities over the course of a day. Yet, often, we conduct our lives in a state of great vagueness. I looked for a way to classify what I do, and decided that my key criteria should be the type of goal that I pursue. I distinguished four main types of activities: prepare for something yet undefined; define and design a specific project; execute a defined actions towards a specific goal; and finally, do ‘cleaning’, a category that brings together life administration, sorting through files, and taking a restorative walk. My original prompt was identifying my personal bottlenecks. I noted that, often, I do things without a clear goal in sight – and therefore get easily stuck or distracted. The blockage is largely cognitive: if I do not know what I am doing and why, then I will most likely stop, and do something else. This helped: I decided I had nothing specific I needed to do that day, and therefore could spend my afternoon ‘cleaning’ – lift old blockages, put things in order. So, I picked up a large book I started years ago but never finished, made significant progress, and felt a tremendous sense of achievement.

Our time is limited, and we should make the best use of it. Yet a closer look reveals a difficult aspect of the problem. My days are not like a single melodic line, a string of activities clearly separate from each other. Rather, it is like a fugue – with many notes occurring at the same time and weaving multiple intertwining melodies. One occasionally takes over, then recedes, while another comes forward. I wake up, I go to work, I go back home. I write emails, I draft a project plan, I make a phone call. I eat, I drink, I shit. I feel joy, I have an insight, I create new shared memories with a friend. I tried, for a day, to focus on these intertwining lines – and found it excessively hard. The capacity to describe our own lives is a crucial component of prudence – yet how difficult it is, and how limited our capacity to simply name the scope of our activities.

My work alternates between outward focussed engagement, and solitary periods of writing and design. I learnt to focus my days on either. Tuesday was an extraverted day, with five meetings in five different places. Retaining a sense of inner calm and continuity was my original goal, but in the middle of the afternoon, I realised I had entirely forgotten to do so – swallowed by the Maelstrom of other people. I tried a meditative correction: whenever I encountered a threshold, pause for a short moment, marking a transition. I failed, and so decided to try again the following day.

Wednesday was a quiet day, writing from a co-working space in Footscray. I decided that, before entering a new space, I would mark a short pause, and notice the change of setting. Once again, I did not do well. For six hours, the only change was getting in and out of the bathroom. Every time, as I came back to my chair, I realised I had forgotten to mark a pause. And so – I thought – could there be no clear boundary between what I accomplish at my desk, and what I accomplish in a cubicle?

Focusing on thresholds was a way to better notice environments. That’s what I did on Thursday. Walking through the streets of suburban Prahran, breathing in the beauty of a Melbourne midsummer morning, I reflected on the potential danger of complete absorption in the world outside: how easy to be lulled in the golden reflections of the sun playing in eucalyptus leaves and pink laurels. On the way back home, I noted how artificial my immediate environment was: not only manmade, but defined by the presence of other people engaging in complex webs of urban activities – commerce, trade, consumption. Not only their activities: I noted as I sat through a most problematic meeting how much my environment was defined by the perception of others. I met with a designer in the afternoon, we struggled to connect, I felt an ethical gap between us – and left off-balance. A set of basic shared norms and values bind our society together. When we differ, additional effort in truthfully describing our own inner world is required. In that instance, it failed, and I felt a pang. I wasn’t prepared.

Let’s be unprepared, then, I thought on Friday – and see what happens if I deliberately choose to change course over the day, following impulses. I was planning a day in Footscray, but instead, headed to my office in South Melbourne – saving myself an hour of commute and 40 dollars. Then events caught up with me. I was never going to be on Bourke Street when a madman rammed a car through pedestrians, but I found myself obsessively checking the Internet through most of the afternoon. At the last minute, I read from someone, somewhere, the driver made up his mind, swerved onto the mall, and drove through the crowd. And I was reminded of how little control we have over our lives – and how our plans can be disrupted by the sudden irruption of somebody else’s erratic course. I walked back home late from a friend’s place, noticing my changed urban environment. I had to walk up and down a few blocks until I was able to ask a police officer to escort me to my front door. My street was entirely cordoned off – the space outside my building had become a crime scene.

Prudence – week 2

This year, I will reflect on the four cardinal virtues through daily practice and meditation, intentionally focusing on one per season. I started the year with prudence – or the rational capacity to distinguish good from evil. Every week, I will publish an update on this blog, in the form of a free-flowing meditation.

Week one was about perspective and exploration. Week two was about preparing for the future. How can I live a life both responsibly planned and open to serendipity?

This was the question I started with on Sunday. I woke up early, and headed to my favourite cafe, where I followed my Chinese  and PhD practice routines: I have systems in place that help me stick to goals in both fields. But as I read and wrote, I started chatting on my phone – including with a visitor from Romania. We spent a couple of hours together, talking about religions and world views. There’s a chance I might work with his organisation in Timisoara. He lives half the year on my mother’s Island, and I might introduce them. We were able to meet because I let myself be distracted from other pursuits.

Inspired by our Sunday conversations, I decided on the Monday that I would focus on anticipating misunderstandings. It was a well-suited day for this. I had a six hour workshop with a French friend, in which I deliberately clarified my assumptions about activities we discussed, articulating definitions, and aiming for maximal precision. This happened in French, and was a very powerful exercise to solidify the concepts in my head: bullshit does not resist translation. Later that day, I had a Skype meeting with my Swedish team. Then I realised a thing. Silences are part of conversations. Various cultures organise turn taking differently. Some things will be said, others left unsaid. With practice, translating what is said becomes easy, relatively. But there is an ocean of unsaid, much harder to translate – yet defining all our interactions, and a more dangerous source of errors and confusion than mistranslated concepts.

Is it prudence to say ‘fuck it’ on special occasion, loosen plans, and let chaos rule? On Tuesday, for my birthday, I thought I would embracemy inner Dionysios. Beyond core daily disciplines, I went with the flow. There was a meeting, a vague plan – executed – to buy a pair of pants, and an impromptu lunch. I let some space for chaos, and had a few gorgeous moments, But – as it turned out – wasn’t quite clear enough. I set myself to finish a book that I didn’t finish, and felt frustrated. I had to be back home on time to prepare my birthday dinner. It was a nice day, but left a mild sense of incompletion. I didn’t accomplish much, and I didn’t fully relax.  I let myself wander, but was not consistently present to my wanderings.

I had to face a different situation the following day. There had been twelve people home, too much wine, too much food.  It was hot, I didn’t sleep very well. I had not put an alarm, started the day late, and woke up tired. What would be the prudent thing to do? Let plans drop, and nurse my hangover? Or stick firmly to daily routines, at least? I reframed this in the following way: should I attend to my present self – telling me to rest more – or to my past self, the one that, in full possessions of their means, decided on a set of tasks? I held on to routines, and felt energised. But in the afternoon, plans needed rethinking. I had to postpone a planned check up after I realised I needed an appointment. And so, loose tiredness took over, and I spent an afternoon doing nothing in particular, lingering in front of the screen, unable to replace my plan with a new one, or plug off.

On the following day, this is what I aimed to improve. We live most of our lives in a state of great vagueness. We’ve got big ideas for the future, but as we move closer, our goals shift and ripple. There is a narrow path between two dangers: the ‘big-picture’ that remains forever hazy, and the close-minded ‘attention to details’. I had previously decided that this would be a day for focusing on my PhD. I had an appointment with my supervisor, and came with a clear overarching question: how can I best use the remaining time in my PhD so that the work will be most useful for others, and most helpful for my own professional future. I further broke it down into three sharper question: should I reframe the thesis and focus on the topic of educational design (where I see heading); should I aim to finish soon, or delay; and what else, beside my existing activities and the PhD, should I focus on. Her wise advice was comforting on the second and third points. As to the thesis, ‘tread lightly’, she said, in other words, ‘beware the rabbit holes’. I should avoid excessive attempts at erudition. Strike the right balance between excessive vagueness, and too much details.

At the end of the week, I was back to my initial question: how can I set myself goals in such a way that I can both accomplish plans, and leave room for serendipity? In December, I bought one of those ‘goals diaries’ offering templates for systematic  reflection. I spent a few hours filling it in at the end of December, and on Friday, reviewed it for the first time. I noted an ambiguous feeling: I had already done a lot / I was progressing too slowly. I wondered: why this contradiction? The missing element was a sense of duration. Most of my goals were articulated in a clear manner – but I never sat down and calculated how many hours, in total, over the year, I would spend on each. So I did that for one project. I have decided to work on my Chinese reading skills, and read four books in Mandarin, at the rate of 4 pages a day. I realised two things. First, that this added up to about eight months only – leaving a full third of the year for rest or flexibility. This, somehow, never made it to my calculations – yet I already anticipated a sense of guilt at not reading six books, only the four I committed to. More interestingly, I realised I had no idea exactly how long it would take me to read four pages a day. The calculation was helpful – and yielded a week of rest, for the four months I would not be reading! I continued with my day, feeling calmer, following my plans. I finished early. I had to stay in my Footscray co-working space for call, so cleaned my desktop, stretched, and played with a jigsaw puzzle. On the way back, a friend invited me to dinner. I had finished my week, I was prepared for serendipity – and I had a beautiful night.

Now, I shall take the rest of my Saturday to rest. It is prudent to take Sabbaths. And I’ll think of my next week tomorrow.